I May Not Awaken
by AmaranthineSomnium
Summary: A short songfic I wrote ages ago after OOTP came out. Remus reflects on his life. Please r&r!


Author's note: Another story I found at the bottom of my story box (a.k.a. the old computer files). I wrote this a few months after OOTP came out, I believe. So its old and rusty but I'm too lazy to change it. I'll probably pull it down eventually if people don't like it. So yes, the song is _I May Not Awaken_ by _Enya_. Beautiful and definitely worth a listen. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I owned the Harry Potter universe do you really think I'd be adding a disclaimer? Note the "fan" in "fanfiction."

**I May Not Awaken**

I awoke from a very troubled sleep, sweat pouring down my face, my hair matted. I shook my head. This was happening too often for my liking. I couldn't get a proper night sleep anymore...

I was tired, depressed and lonely. It was 2:00 o'clock in the morning and I could no longer sleep. This occured on a regular basis now. I climbed out of bed and made my way to the window, like I did every morning. I sat by the sill and looked out at the stars. There he was...Sirius, one of the brightest...

_When the warmth of the day becomes the night_

_Who could sleep beneath a strange moonlight?_

_No guiding star  
So far from home _

I was overcome with emotion and couldn't stop the tears that came. I was alone, once again. It had come to be a repeating pattern in my life. I suppose I should have been used to it by then.

I was bitten when I was still a small boy, just starting to make friends with the other wizarding boys my age. When the boys' parents found out about me, they would immediately stop me from playing with their children. Thus, I never had many friends. Then I got my letter. I was excited, yet upset at the same time. Why would they send me a letter? I was, after all, a monster. Wouldn't other parents be worried about the safety of their children? Dumbledore took care of everything...I was able to attend Hogwarts. There I met the best friends a boy could ever have. I was accepted. But they didn't know about me yet...I was scared that if they found out, they would hate me. I guess I have always been worried about what other people would think...

They found out in our second year. They didn't hate me. They didn't leave me. They weren't scared to be around me. They offered to help. My dreams had come true. To them, I was normal. Something I could never remember being. Those were the best years of my life.

_Walked the way o' promise to find but snow  
Throughout, the voice of the winds brings nothing more  
Than low echoes  
So far from home _

We grew up, all of us. James got married, something rather unbelievable, if you know the whole story. He married a girl named Lily who he had pinned over half of our school years, so it was a relief when they married. Sirius was still Sirius, careless and free, but he got a job nonetheless. Peter got himself a nice respectable job at the Ministy. I was trying my hardest to fit in; big surprise, but I couldn't find myself a job. No one wanted me. Darn prejudice...

My friends didn't abandon me. They stuck by my side...

That was when Dumbledore started the Order. I was a member, of course. We got news that there was a spy among us. Some of the members of the Order thought it was me...I guess that is why I pushed them away...I felt below them...

I suppose that is why they thought I was the spy. It makes sense, doesn't it? I was the werewolf after all. I had a right to be mad at society. But still they didn't leave me. Not of their own accord anyway.

_Even from a child  
A wish is not enough  
For me, for me the sky may fall_

The aftermath of James, Lily and Peter's deaths, as well as Sirius' imprisonment, was too much for me. I was alone again, just after I had begun to feel safe in my life. For twelve years I wandered on my own, looking for work, hoping I would get a break in life. Then it came. Dumbledore hired me as a teacher at Hogwarts. James and Lily's son, Harry, was there at the time. I was able to help him, to be of some use. He reminded me _so_ much of James. For split moments I could have sworn James was standing in front of me. But I would blink and there was Harry. Latter in the year I came upon an astounding discovery. Sirius was innocent. Something, for twelve years, I had wanted to believe. Peter was alive. So for one moment, I felt like I had all my friends back. But that wasn't so. Peter was guilty and he escaped again, Sirius was in hiding because his name hadn't been cleared and Voldemort, the man I blame for so much of my heartache, was raising in power again.

_And even from a child  
A dream is not enough  
Could be, could be the sky may fall  
Could be, could be the night ends all _

Dumbledore called the Order together again. Sirius and I were reunited. We could now reminisce about old time all we wanted. For a while, I felt like I was back. The real me that people had come to know during my school days. I had my best friends by my side. We could get through this together. That was when it came. The well aimed blow. I should have suspected it; it was only a matter of time until I was left alone again. Like I said, it is a repeating pattern. There was a fight...we lost Sirius. My best friend. I was, once again, forced to relive the terrible memories that had always haunted me.

_No rains could weep as I have wept  
To know a simple dream will not be kept_

So here I sit, by the window, looking out into the night. The moon is almost full, I note...it makes Sirius look less than bright...

I'm thankful James doesn't have a star he was named after, or perhaps my pain would be greater right now. I sigh. How much longer will I suffer? How many more blows before the sword breaks? How long will I be able to take it?

_I am a child  
So far from home _

Sleep finally comes, while I'm sitting here beneath the moonlight. I sleep soundly for the first time in weeks. After all, tomorrow may be a better day. I may be able to live through the pain. I may be able to take just one more blow...

Then again, I may be alone forever. I may not awaken.

_One by one the sky falls  
I may not awaken_

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_Please review!_


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